Hannah Montana is engaged. Let me repeat that: Hannah flipping Montana found someone to marry her. Have you let that sink in? Destiny Hope “Smiley Miley” Cyrus is entering into the sacred union of marriage before she can even legally drink.
Did the rest of the 20-something single girls let out an exasperated sigh, or was that just me? Miley is 19-young-vibrant-years-old.
When I was 19, I was getting out of my first “serious” relationship and finally emerging from the boy crazy haze that consumed my teenage years. Well, I guess the boy crazy haze hasn’t lifted; it’s just shifted from being impressed by a souped up car and a six-pack, to drooling over an uptown luxury apartment and 401K.
The point is, Miley is making another mistake… or learning a life lesson, depending on if you’re a glass half-empty or half-full person. If you aren’t mature enough to realize that allowing someone to tape you smoking salvia is a bad idea, then you’re too young to get married. If your life mantra is, “I can’t be tamed”, you’re too young to get married. If you starred in your own Disney show within the past two years, you’re too young to get married.
Whether Miley likes it or not, she’s a role model. Now, young girls with underdeveloped frontal lobes are going to use this as an excuse to run off with the guy who should have been nothing more than a learning experience.
In an effort to counteract the negative life decisions that are going to be made because of Smiley Miley, I decided to compile a list of reasons to be single while you still have the word teen tacked onto your age.
1. Did I mention your frontal lobe is underdeveloped? You can’t make any pivotal decisions with a piece of your brain missing.
2. If you wear outfits that consistently showoff your midriff, why would you want to cover that hot mess with a heavy wedding dress? Let your rebellious belly button ring breathe.
3. Remember how you thought the guy you dated in high school was “the one”? Now, the guy you’re dating in college seems like “the one”? Do you think, just maybe, you should wait a little bit and see if the guy after college is “the one”?
4. If you recently dated a Jonas Brother (Miley), or seriously attended a Jonas Brothers concert (my 16 year old sister, I’m looking at you) … then no. Just no.
5. Why would you want to PERMANENTLY hook yourself to someone before you can legally enter bars aka the prime hunting ground for eligible banker types and people who will only try to get you to stick around for a drink… not their whole life.
I suppose I can’t blame Miley for her decision-making skills. Her father rocked a mullet for the majority of the 90s and her brother did this to himself and founded one hit wonder, Metro Station.
Another point in her favor, she’s marrying hottie Liam Hemsworth from the Hunger Games. While I’m a Peeta girl myself, I’m not mad when I see promotional magazine spreads of a shirtless Liam. I guess deep down we’re all 19 year old girls, impressed by abs and the “undying” love they profess.
The Morning After: Brunch 